Wednesday, October 27, 2010

King and Queen- JACKED!!!

This is the story about a King and a Queen. 
It happened in a land far, far away. You’ve probably heard it before. But you HAVE to read this. This is different. It’s MY version.

The King, old and weak, lay on the side of his bed, counting his days. The young, pretty Queen unfaithfully sat beside him, also counting his days. For long, they stayed quietly, hiding in their monochrome Castle, behind a row of faithful soldiers. The horses sneezed, the elephants trumpeted, the camels farted. And then it began.  I was White. With fear.

My Army. Was. 


(This is actually the story of My pathetic army on the Chessboard. I was White. The other guy was Black. And that’s pretty much there is to know about this game)

On just-another-regular-day at the office, I sat in front of my Computer. You know the feeling when there is so much pressure, so much stress, so much tension, that you settle for just about anything for relief? Well, I didn’t. So I settled for some Chess.

Boys and girls, let me tell you, NO addiction is good.
However brainy or smart it seems, let me repeat. NO addiction is good.

So, keeping all my ‘Pending’, ‘ASAP’, ‘Submit by EOD’ documents on hold, I got ready to explore the joys of Online Chess. I filled out a form of my preferences (Beginner, Amatuer, Rookie, Foolish, Inexperienced, Virgin) on the Matchmaking section of the site, and somebody clicked almost immediately. Talk about ‘Desperate’. I didn’t have time to see who and how he/she was, but with good faith in the choice of chesscube.com, I believed that they had my best interests at heart. I said ‘I Do’. Then I clicked. And then we began.

It was like my first time. I was White with fear (I think I mentioned this). 

I really don’t want to go into the details of the game. But I knew my poor army was fighting a losing battle. It wasn’t my fault. 
Two of my soldiers, holding hands on the bright, gay, spring day (No pun intended), went ‘Tra-la-la’ ing onto the monochrome battlefield. In seconds, they were butchered. We  got back only their helmets.

Seeing red, ALL the 2 of my horses, elephants and camels charged. Well, actually, I made them. (I didn’t realize I would have only 2 of each. When were the damned reinforcements coming?) The Black villain on the other side of the board sent forward his Queen. Let me describe her to you-  Tall. Smart. Powerful. Stunning. A real Black Beauty. 

So, I thought I’d impress her. 
I tried out some fancy tricks that I was sure she’d never seen before. I made my camels march diagonally- one on a White square, the other on a Black one. Then, through the gap between them, I brought in two huge elephants, stepping in time to the drum rolls in my head. The Black Queen and her army stood, watching in amazement.

So I decided to show off some more. For the Grand Finale, the Ultimate Closing Act, I got both my horses (knights) out in the front. Someone had told me that they could jump over other soldiers, so I made them SOAR high and brought them right out in the front.

For those of you who’ve played this game before, you know how this will end. 
For those of who who’ve never played this game (or never played LIKE THIS), this is what happened.

The Black Queen, that little heart-breaker, watched gleefully as I danced and pranced my heart out. I thought I almost had her in my arms when she stepped up. In one giant, sweeping motion, she wiped the board clean. (WHO gave her the power to go wherever the hell she wanted to?!) This time, we didn’t even get the helmets back (I’m also mailing the sponsors of chesscube.com for a full refund)

But, in my defense, it wasn’t  my fault. Not entirely. Like I mentioned, I was playing in Office. And in Office, there are people strutting around, whistling, listening to music, chatting (Yes, my office is employee-friendly). Then there are those Smart-Alecs who are good only with words, but not during action (I am NOT referring to me here)

Seeing me involved so deeply, a couple of people walked up and started giving VERY useful advice. Or so I thought.

(If my Dad’s reading this, I want you to know, Papa, that I should have paid more heed to what you told me when I was leaving the nest for the Big, Bad World outside. You had said- “An Opinion is like an A**hole. Everybody has one.”)

But being the friendly, sociable Me, I listened to EVERY one of those A**holes opinions that came my way. The funny thing was how, a minute/move later, each and every one of them would suddenly say ‘Oh’ and walk away. After careful introspection, I noticed that this happened every time a soldier of mine was killed when I followed their advice. Some were even courteous enough to say ‘Oh, I didn’t see that pawn there’ or ‘Wow! Mr. Black is Smart!’ but it didn’t help. Nothing could soothe my pain. Those were my men out there!
So, after a good 25-30 minute tussle, I was out. But not down.

This is MEEEE. Or at least, that's what it looked like.
The odds really were a Million to 300! 


You see, this noble game teaches us certain painful truths about life. And I learnt a whole new set of rules from Mr. Black that day. They were as follows-

1. Chess is a game for 2 people. ONLY

2. Don’t be White. Don’t fall in love. Don’t be nice. Be a heartless, cunning, ruthless Black Beauty
3. Don’t show-off. Not until it’s time. Actually, not at all (My skills include sliding camels, music-sensitive elephants and jumping knights. No use in this game) 
4. Dad is  right, but only partly. An Opinion is like an A**hole. Everybody has one. Most chess players have two, sometimes more (Opinions, I mean) 
5. Don’t trust these online matchmaking sites, even if they operate through a chess portal.    You see what they me?! I was a Beginner, Amatuer, Rookie, Foolish, Inexperienced, Virgin     (Oh well, after THAT game, I wasn’t a virgin anymore. If you know what I mean!)

 In short, this was the Moral Story of a King and Queen. JACKED!!!


PS: I'm actually much better that Chess than I've shown here. I also know Castling. Did I fool you into thinking I'm a Bad player?! Hahahahahahaha! Gotcha! 

PPS: This is dedicated to Purba Aunty, who motivated me when i faced those incredibly tough times and hit so many walls. I want to take this opportunity to thank her for always believing in me. I will continue to make you proud...  (Extract from my Acceptance speech when I win the World Chess Championships :P)

6 comments:

  1. haha.. this was a fun post.. love the 5 lessons you learned at the end

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  2. Call me Aunty again and I"ll butcher you and your army! Have I told you I do weights?

    “An Opinion is like an A**hole. Everybody has one.”) And you got this advice too? It's now like an anthem , is it?

    So is this post about your Chess playing skills or your virginity?

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  3. @ Sadiya and Pythoroshan- Thanks :) It was fun writing it ;)

    @ MRS. Purba RAY- I didn't think the 'A' word could be so offensive to you :P Vaise this post is neither about my chess abilities, nor my virginity. I've just exercised my creative freedom ;) In fact, I challenge you to a game RIGHT now!

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  4. That was so interesting! Whatever theme of writing you choose, your writing style maintains its huge respectability.

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  5. Wow! Thanks so much for your praise Tanay, generous as always!

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