One Quack, Two Hoots and a Bucketful of Tears- The 'Lame Duck' Speech

This Wednesday’s press conference (speech) in New Delhi was one that touched the hearts of every living, sick and (especially) demented Indian. Addressing the editors of electronic media was Mr. Manmohan Singh, the currently powerless in-power Scam Minister of India.

PM (Poor Manmohan),
 who quacked on16th February

“It’s a real pleasure meeting you on this auspicious occasion of Eid. May this day bring you added peace and prosperity,” he started. On hearing this- Hassan Ali Khan, Vilasrao Deshmukh, Lalit Modi and A Raja burst into spontaneous applause, moving the gathering into giving him a 3 minute long standing ovation.Ajmal Kasab, India’s peace messenger and new face of the Atithi Devo Bhavah Tourism campaign, reportedly, was moved to tears when he saw the broadcast on Loo-Tube while on his prison guesthouse pot.

The visibly nervous Singh cleared his throat and continued with a little more confidence. “First of all, I’d like to thank the media and press of this free country for bringing these issues to attention.” An immediate SMS was beeped to every media editor present in the hall- ‘You’re going to pay for it, you filthy-nosy-yellow-journal-b*stards. Love and (t)hugs, The UPA.’ The CBI has started investigations on who could possibly have sent this threatening message.

Ignoring the worried murmurs reverberating through the hall, Singh continued. “Whatever some people may say about us being a lame duck government and me being a lame duck PM, we take our job very seriously,” he quacked. The hall went quiet in anticipation of the next few words.

“I am not as big a culprit as made out to be. I am not afraid to appear in front of the Joint Parliamentary Commission (JPC). In fact, we met up for a drink just this 26th January. I was so sloshed that Soniaji had to…” and hurriedly covered up the rest of the words under a severe coughing fit. “Sorry, I got someone else’s speech. These damned Portuguese… leaving their speeches lying around everywhere,” he muttered, wiping the sweat off his brow.

“Why only talk about the 2G and Adarsh scams? Look at our growth rate—it's touching 8.5% this year. Thanks to programmes like the Vibrating (or was it Vibrant) Gujarat and the Bhains-full Bihar…,” he was then interrupted by an audible whisper from the backstage, “They’re the opposition you f**l! Talk about my son Rahul now!”

Sweating profusely now, the Scam Minister continued, “Food inflation is a thing of the past. But look, even now our little Rahul takes an onion with him every time he lunches at ‘The Dalits' in Uttar Pradesh. If we don’t think of the common man’s plight, who will?” This line was greeted by a ‘Quack Quack’ here and a ‘Hoot Hoot’ there.

Here a ‘Quack’, there a ‘Hoot’, Quack-Hoot, Quack-Hoot…

Ending his 3 minute-long, speech-cum-rhyme, Singh concluded, “I, the Scam Minister of India, wish to assure you and assure the country and assure the whole wide world that our government is DEAD serious about bringing all the wrong-doers to justice.”

We at NTMN are touched. Really. 


Take one look at the horrors enveloping the outside world and you’ll know why—one ex-US President cheating on his wife and one invading the Middle East when he ran out of video games; a Russian President clowning around with a gymnast-turned-politician; a French President riding his girlfriend coasters at Disneyland, Paris; Italian PM Silvio Macaroni Berlusconi ‘never paying for sex’ and getting it free from underage prostitutes ‘Heartbreakers’; Egyptian Presidents imposing 30 yr long rules…

We feel that our Scam Minister Manmohan Singh is a shining beacon of light in these turbulent times. With a track record as blank as his expression and dreamless 7-yr-long sleep on his PM-marked chair, we are sure he’s going to take us a long way down ahead.

The media conference ended on a high note late on 16th night with special appearances by Sharad Pawar and Lalit Modi. They also brought along a troupe of IPL cheerleaders for entertainment, who were at their unemployed and desperate best with the One-Day Mataram (World Cup thingy) around the corner.

We salute the One Quack brave enough to finally speak up . We give Two Hoots to his speeches and empty promise of impeaches. We look on as someone out there (let’s call him the Common Man for lack of a better word), cries a Bucketful of tears. And to all the Slumdogs who are now Millionaires. JAI HO. 

- Avinash Agarwal

This article was written for News That Matters Not. Click here.