Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Letter from the CEO - bringing in the Indian flavor into the CWG '10

Dear Indians,

      Sub.: Bringing in the Indian flavour to the CWG 2010 


After so much criticism and mud-slinging on the Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee over the past few weeks, it is time to give us a chance to speak. After all, I’ve been sleeping silent with a huge burden for 7 years now, ever since India won the bid to host the Games in November 2003.

Here is a progress report that I have just dictated to my secretary. I hope the spellings are correct. She isn’t very qualified. We don’t have enough funds to hire someone else —

This is myself. As innocent as I look.
All stadiums had been painted well in advance. However, since the rains in Delhi unexpectedly washed away the top coatings on 3 of the stadiums, a report has been filed against the India Meteorological Department for not doing their job. The inquiry is in progress. 

1. Chairs, stands and pavilions have been done away with. They are unnecessary expenses on the already over-burdened, understaffed and un-corrupt Sports Authority of India. We have already exceeded our budget of $1.6 Billion. Tie-ups have been made with leading TV channels so that the entire nation can watch the  joke Games unfold on Live TV and we can earn some more money. 

Mr Kalmadi: as innocent as me.
Never blame him.
Blame Met deptt for rains,
and the news channel exposé for
the corruption.
2. All drugs have been seized from the Sports Authority of India BAI (Banned and Illegal) storage houses. These have successfully been forcibly fed to the construction workers to help them speed up the building process.

3. The Indian Cycling Team still doesn’t have its bicycles and equipment. They should become more serious about their careers and the nation's honour, and start shopping on their own. How long will they depend on us? Don’t we have other things to do? 12 participants have already been suspended for making complaints and ‘grumbling’ about not having tyres, helmets, gears and other ‘unnecessary’ paraphernalia.

In July, with 3 months to go, I proudly announced that it was time for ‘bouquets
of flowers to be given out’
, considering the amount of progress we had achieved
in such short a time. RJD Chief Lalu Prasad had a truckload of fools flowers sent over to Delhi to help us complete the remainder of the work. 

Now, with barely a month to go, I feel that it has become a ‘battle against time’.
The deadline, which was initially December 2009, then extended to March
2010, then July 2010, is now finally early January 2011. The last phase of the work
is slated to be complete by then, so that the winners of the 2010 CWG could be
invited for practice and training on the tracks they were supposed to compete on. 

We've ordered these stadiums to be complete by January 2011
However, I request the rest of India and the world to remain unperturbed like
me. I am getting ‘warmed up’ in a massage centre in Kerala and have never felt
more at ease with my life. Coming to more important things, I must tell you
to try out this Massage Centre in Cochin. It’s my guarantee you’ll forget all
your work, responsibilities and issues. Within no time, you’ll be giving these
masseuses the Thumbs Up and showing the other finger to the rest of the world. 

What is mentioned in my above report, is a glimpse of India. So let’s enjoy these games with the Indian flavor. All roads will be blocked or under repair from the moment the participants and delegates land — till they take off. So the events might be a couple of hours late. Relax! There’s no hurry. 

Also, I can’t guarantee you the roof won’t leak if it rains. Or that the terrace will stay put if it gets too windy. Come on, so what if there are a couple of fires and few people are burnt? It happens every day, get used to it for God’s sake! 

In conclusion, I’d like to remind you that the motto of the Games is ‘Come Out and Play.’ So it’s time to bring out the true ‘Sportsman Spirit’ and not crib about trivial details. Remember, just ‘Come Out and Play’! 

For any further questions, please contact your nearest local sports administrator.
I’m not to be held responsible for anything. 

Yours sportingly, 
Mr. Mike Hooper 
(CEO, Commonwealth Games Federation)

This story was written by me for News That Matters Not


  1. lol...very nice!
    doubt- shudnt u b strikin out 'joke' instead of 'games' sumwhr in d thrd or 4th para?
    If nt, den gues i dint get it :)
    gud read all d same.

  2. Heyy...yeah i had done that in the first draft which i sent across to NTMN, but it was published this way. The editor always refines the posts and makes them crisp n presentable, so I trust his judgement...but yeah, i think it looks better that way. I'll make the change in this post here. Thanks so much : )

  3. @Sadiya and AV:
    I have been quite tricked by the strikethrough element of sarcasm. When we started using the device on NTMN, I was initially confused about what to strike out — the real word or the intended word. Troubled by this, one day I took advice from some people and analysed other usages across other sites.
    The strikethrough usage in satire, it appears, strikes out the conventionally-accepted word in the context, and instead retains the intended (satirical) word, without any strike.
    This, however, might be oppositely treated in other forms of writing, but in satire, we don't strike the intended satirical meaning, so the editing made my me was correct.
    But please show me examples of the usage otherwise in satire.

  4. @ Sadiya- See, i told you he knows! Engineer after all :P

    @Tanay- but i thought it was the opposite. So yeah, was a little confused.

  5. @tanay- lol. after you've sed all that, i wouldnt even dare to do any further research on the subject.
    however, at face value i doubt people would consider the technical aspect. it's like tomato is a fruit but common sense makes u wanna think of it as a vegetable.
    *lame lame lame, i know* :)

  6. @ avinash- shorrie man...forgot u...thnx fr changing it. *happy* :))

  7. We have become a big joke in the international arena. Can you imagine what humiliation we face if the games are a colossal disaster?

    The Shivaji stadium is far from complete, Yamuna is threatening to sink Delhi and to make it worse we are reeling under a Dengue scare which has reached epidemic proportions.

    So many international athletes have pulled out of the games. Hundreds of crores spent but to what effect?

    Sorry, didn't intend to launch into the tirade. I just feel disgusted at the ineptitude of the OC.

    Delightfully wicked post Avinash. It sparkles with your wit.

  8. @ Purba Ma'am- I agree with u...its like we're speeding towards disaster and we can do nothing about it. I once told Tanay that satire is like an outlet for the common man to take out his frustrations. But can we do anything more? Really, its a horrible feeling sitting and waiting for our government to make us a laughing stock.

    REALLY appreciate the inputs and data you put in...adds to the flavor of the post :)

    Thank you :)

  9. Loved the bit about administering drugs to the construction workers. Interesting read!

  10. Thank you Bunty (Mango man):) If you like this, you should surely check out the site- News that Matters Not. The link is posted here.